


without you it feels so fucking bad

by hesitant_Jupiter



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/M, Gay Jared Kleinman, IM SORRY OKAY, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jared Kleinman Centric, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, angsty as hell, hes so lonely, sorry if its trash, this is basically a character study on jared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-25 02:45:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14967413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hesitant_Jupiter/pseuds/hesitant_Jupiter
Summary: basically a character study on jared bc he is my baby and im sorry about this its so sad





	without you it feels so fucking bad

**Author's Note:**

> tw: reference to self harm, suicidal thoughts, and eventual suicide :( sorry dont read if this will trigger you

“Ja-Jared, I messed up, and I may or may not need you to help me,” Evan stutters out Jared rolls his eyes.

 

       “What else did you fuck up?” Jared says, seemingly uncaring. Despite his persona, Jared did care. 

 

      “Well, uhm, I tol-told the Murphy’s that Connor had a, well a um secret email account, and that w-we em-emailed on it,” Evan says, sounding ashamed. Jared lets out an obnoxious laugh.

 

       “You know they're gonna think you were lovers, right?” Jared asks. Evan flushes heavily.

 

      “I mean, a secret email account and he didn't want to be seen with you at school? That's like, the perfect formula for secret gay lovers,” Jared finishes snarkily. Evan sighs.

 

      “Well, um, they're gonna want to s-see emails so co-could you help?” Evan asks, worry flooding his body.  If Jared doesn't help, he's screwed.

 

     “Oh, sure I could. It's easy. All I'd need to do is backdate some emails, but you'll have to pay,” Jared says.

 

       “How much?”

       “Two thousand,” Jared states confidently. Evan’s eyes widen.

 

       “N-no way!” Evan exclaims, aghast 

 

       “Okay fine, five hundred,” Jared comprises. Evan shakes his head.

 

       “I'll give you twenty,” he says, finalizing the debate. Jared laughs.

 

       “Fine, but you're a dick,” He says, a hint of annoyance in his voice.

 

  * -



  
  


       Jared didn't mean to get involved in this whole mess. All he wanted was to get closer to Evan, and that ended up getting fucked up. He thought that maybe- just maybe- if he helped Evan with this, he'd have more of a chance with him. Evan is head over heels for Zoe Murphy, who he doesn't even know.

 

       Evan had always been Jared’s only friend, but he would never admit to that. For Jared, it was best to just act confident at school, and then come home and pick apart all of his flaws.

 

       What Jared would never tell anybody is how many nights he ends up on his bathroom floor sobbing and holding a bottle of pills,  _ so _ close to chugging them all.

 

       He’s never let anyone see his thighs or stomach. Not only are both of them extremely fat, they're covered in scars. Some are white and old, while others were red, swollen, and scabbed over. Jared had to hide his emotional and hurt side. Nobody would even care if he did show this to anyone.

 

       As said before, Jared did not mean to be a part of this. But here Jared was, in the Murphy’s kitchen, spouting some shit about The Connor Project with Evan and Alana. He was fucked.

 

  * -



 

       When Jared finds out about Evan and Zoe, he is quite the mix of emotions.

 

        First, he was pissed. Actually, he was beyond pissed. He’s surprised he didn't punch a hole in the wall, actually. His knuckles were bruised for months, it seemed. He had actually gotten a piece of brick lodged in his hand and had to go to the hospital to get it removed. He was kind of withdrawn during this time.

 

       After his anger was sadness. There was a deep, aching pain in Jared’s chest that just never seemed to go away. He relapsed.  _ Pathetic.  _ He thinks. Jared spent almost every night either crying himself to sleep or not sleeping at all. He completely withdrawals himself now.

 

       Lastly is the regret. Jared regrets everything. The anger, the sadness, everything. He regrets agreeing to help Evan with those stupid fucking emails. If he hadn't done that, he wouldn't feel this way. Completely rejected with nobody there for him.

 

  * -



 

       “Um, we need more emails, emails showing that he was getting worse, “ Evan tells Jared. Jared laughs. The fact that Evan really fucking thinks that after he ignored Jared for weeks, he'd really help him.

 

       “It’s not funny!” Evan exclaims rudely. Jared just laughs again.

 

       “Oh really? Because I think it's hilarious! I think everyone would probably think it's hilarious,” Jared says, sounding more pissed than anything. Evan’s face flushes.

 

      “What's  _ that _ supposed to mean?” Evan says angrily. 

 

       “It means you should remember who your friends are!” Jared doesn't mean to yell, he really doesn't. He’s just so damn hurt.

 

       “I thought the only reason you talk to me was to pay your car insurance?” Evan slightly yells, sounding hurt. 

 

      “S-So?” Jared chokes slightly. He can see Evan’s face get even more flushed and his eyes darken.

 

       “Well maybe the only reason you talk to me, Jared, is because you don't have any other friends!” Evan shouts, but it comes out rushed. Almost like he's scared to say it. Jared doesn't no what to say. He’s speechless for a moment. He never thought of Evan as the type to say something like that. And holy fuck, it hurts to hear someone you've been hopelessly in love with say that.

 

       “ _ FUCK YOU EVAN! ASSHOLE! _ ” Jared shouts, storming off.

-

       It's been a week since Evan and Jared’s falling out, and needless to say, Jared was not doing well. He's barely went to school this past week. The only thing that's been on his mind is Evan. How did he know that Jared barely had friends? Was the façade he put up that see through? Jared had spent so much time trying to make sure that his mask was fool proof. 

 

_ Y’know, now that Evan is gone, you have nothing. _ A voice in the back of Jared’s head says. Jared tries to shake it, but he just can't. Deep down, he knows that it's true. Evan was the only reason Jared kept going. He had somewhat helped with his insecurities of being lonely. But now, Jared officially had no friends.

-

       It's not that Jared made a conscious decision to do it. No, he was just at the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong mindset. Jared sat on the railing of the bridge, leg dangling over the edge. He knew now wasn't a good time to be here. Deep down, he knew he shouldn't do it.

 

       But Jared can't help it when the voice in his head just gets to be too much. He can't bear it anymore. He was a lonely piece of shit, and he knew it.

 

       Jared can't help it when he lets his emotions get the best of him and lets himself fall of the bridge. 

 

       Jared may not have done it consciously, but killing himself was the best thing Jared’s ever done

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading :) comments are appreciated


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